The start of a new adventure

The following was originally written on August 13, 2012

Day 1

Or day 27 to be more accurate (aka week 3). I am 27 days pregnant but today is the day we found out we are going to be parents. Wow! Just writing that made my heart skip a beat. I’ve been a total wreck all day. Here’s why:

I woke up this morning after Steve had already left for work. I lay in bed for nearly thirty minutes trying to work up the courage to go take the test. After a night of jitters, hot flashes and 4 trips to the bathroom I was pretty sure what the result was going to be, I just didn’t want to get my hopes up. I’ve gotten myself excited in the past and wasn’t ready to feel that disappointed again.

I finally decided just to go ahead and take one to ease my mind. I was REALLY nervous. Like I said, I’ve taken a couple tests in the past, but this time was different. I guess I felt different. Or maybe it was just the frequent trips to the loo that had me making up my "symptoms".

As I patiently waited I started wondering how I would feel if it was positive. I've been so excited in the past at the prospect of becoming a mom. Would I feel just as excited to actually see that double line? Well, to tell you the truth, my only reaction when I walked back into the bathroom to check the test was NERVOUS. Oh boy was I nervous. It was like my stomach had completely disappeared, my hands started shaking and my mind went blank for a brief minute before it was bombarded with a million thoughts. The main one being how I was going to tell Steve and how on earth I was going to wait until he got home to do so.

Did I mention that I took four tests? As if the first one was somehow wrong…and the second one…and third. I actually thought about taking another one but decided to avoid looking like I had completely lost my mind. Did it work? :-/

The rest of the day is kind of hazy for me. I kept trying to get things done, like doing the dishes, but I would go into the kitchen and walk around in a circle, chew my nails and then walk out completely forgetting what I had come to do. The only thing that I accomplished was running to the store to buy a onsie and some fabric paint. I rushed back home to decorate it and pair it with an adorable little bomber jacket that I found a year ago at a garage sale.

Step 1: Dig jacket out of it's hiding place

Step 2: Buy supplies: onesie (couldn't find a white one), fabric paint, and a spouncer.

Step 3: print and cut out a stencil. "daddy's little co-pilot" :)

Step 4: spounce away!

I know, I know. It’s blue and I have no idea what the sex of the baby is. But girls can wear blue too. And if it is a girl I will put this one her with a cute little skirt and a bow in her hair. That way no one will be too confused.

Alright, I got the onsie done and all set up in my studio for steve to find. Including one of the four tests I took. I placed in the little pocket of the jacket. Now to wait. And wait. And continue my sad attempt at getting things done while only managing to walk around with a dazed look on my face. I wanted to get out of the house to distract myself from this agonizing waiting game but unfortunately I had no idea what time he would be home. I didn’t want to go anywhere and risk missing him so the pacing and nail biting continued in earnest for several more hours. I kid you not, I was a total wreck. Full of nerves in overdrive. Every time I heard a sound I would run over to check and see if he was home yet. This was way too big a secret to keep and with every minute my nerves became more raw.

I didn’t think there was any way that I could be more nervous. Boy was I wrong. As soon as I saw the truck pulled up I was really in bad shape. Somehow I calmed myself down enough to act halfway normal when he walked in. He sat down on the couch, tired from work, and we started talking about how his day went. I could hardly stand it. I told him he should check out what I had worked on today in my studio. He said he would but about an hour later (ok, probably more like 5 minutes) he finally got up and walked downstairs. I waited a minute and then snuck down to see his reaction. When he looked at me all I could think was, “dear in headlights.” I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking but could tell that he was just as nervous as I was. This was a little reassuring to be honest. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one nervous was comforting.

After a few seconds, in true Steve fashion, he dropped to his knees and belted out a sort of scream/whimper. While this was happening my tears started flowing because that is what a woman does after 7 hours of that kind of stress.

We were quite the pair. And to think, we are going to be parents. I’m not convinced yet that we’re ready for this new chapter in our lives, but I guess someone does. So, regardless of our flawed nature and inevitable shortcomings, we are going to be parents (we ARE parents). For better or worse we are in this. And we’re in this together. With Christ as our foundation I have to believe that we can do this and do it well. We have the keys to raise up our children to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, and self controlled. This new treasure that we are storing up in heaven is bigger than any thus far. And I’m glad to report that after a few minutes the nervousness passed and it gave way to a fountain of joy and excitement.

It’s so surreal. To think that I am actually carrying a little life inside of me. I want to cherish this. Every day of it. Every change that I go through physically, emotionally and spiritually. I want to bask in these changes and share them with my family. I want them recorded so that I can go back and reminisce on every emotion I feel, every challenge I face, every kick and every heartbeat. I also want to start making my life more intentional. I feel like journaling things will give me that opportunity.

So that is why I am starting this blog. To cherish, to share, to celebrate and to make every one of my decisions as a mom more intentional. And if you choose to keep reading in the weeks and months and years to come I hope you can find joy in celebrating with me.

-K